Dear Comcast:

I spend more money per month on my internet connection than I do on fuel for my car, and I have a long commute. There are a few things we need to get straight regarding our relationship, if it's going to continue.

First, I'm upset because I don't really have an alternative. DSL is crap, and you know it. Satellite connections are crap, and you know it. You don't have a real competitor for real broadband internet access, and you're taking unfair advantage of that. At least AT&T has Verizon, to keep them from getting completely out of hand. You are a pseudo-monopoly, and I hate that. This might be more of a regulatory issue, as it's your job as a for-profit entity to make as much as you can, so let's move on.

Second, if I have a problem with my connection and call a line that claims to be open, answer the damn phone. I don't care how many people you have to pay to do so, make it happen. There is absolutely no reason that I should have to wait to speak to someone more than five minutes. I don't care if it's the goddamn appocolypse. I pay too much for this kind of treatment. It took me 20 minutes before I gave up on the phone, and another 15 to get someone on chat. If this is simply arithmetically impossible, then implement one of those "the current wait to speak with a representative is currently... FOURTEEN... minutes" messages to intermix with the "We appreciate your patience. Please continue holding. Our account executives are still assisting other customers."

Third, if I do have to call, do NOT take advantage of my status as a captive audience to ADVERTISE to me before you even give me the first menu. That's rude, and unacceptable. While I'm on hold after the menus is annoying, but not unacceptable, for example. If you ARE going to be rude and unacceptable, then get rid of Ben Stein. I don't need to be reminded that this vapid, mindless cancer on the ass of humanity still draws breath, and I certainly don't want any of my money getting into his hands via an advertising deal with you. Keep Shaq, I don't care, but get rid of the scum sucking Intelligent Design floozy, or we're going to have problems.

Fourth, don't tell me to visit your website for trouble shooting tips when I called regarding MALFUNCTIONING INTERNET. This is too stupid for words.

Fifth, the problem isn't my router. I promise. Has it been the last forty times I've had to call? No? It's a pattern, figure it out. The modems die like flies. Trust me. See, what did I tell you, it was the modem... again. Now that we've established that it's my modem... it's the third in 16 months. I'll pay twice as much on the modem lease for the good stuff. I know you've got it back there somewhere. These paperweights have got to go.

Get these things resolved. Or what? I don't know, because you don't really have a competitor where I live. Baby Uncle Sam weeps for competitive capitalism because of companies like you. At least till I can tether a Droid, then I might dump AT&T and you at the same time.